What is Conflict?
Interpersonal
conflict is a struggle that occurs when two people
cannot agree upon a way to meet their needs. When the needs are
incompatible, if there are too few resources to satisfy them, or if
the individuals opt to compete rather than to cooperate to achieve
them, then conflict occurs. The intensity level of a conflict
usually relates to the intensity of the unmet needs.
The bedrock of
all conflicts is differences - different goals, experiences,
genders, cultures, and other factors.
Assertively
expressing honest ideas may mean that a person feels safe and
comfortable enough with his or her partner to disagree. Conflict in
interpersonal relationships can play a constructive
role in focusing on issues that may need
attention.
The ebb and flow
of interpersonal psychological intimacy and separation inevitably
leads to some degree of conflict in any relationship. When conflict
happens in your relationships, don't immediately assume that the
relationship is doomed.
Conflict
management is not a single skill but a set of skills. But
to manage conflict effectively involves more than learning simple
techniques. The best route to success in resolving conflict
effectively is to acquire knowledge about what the conflict is,
what makes it happen, and what we can do about it.
Most relational
disagreements have a source, a beginning, a middle, an end, and an
aftermath. Conflicts have a process or series of stages. Let's find
out how they function.
Source:
Prior Conditions
The
first phase in the conflict process is the one that sets the stage
for disagreement; it begins when you become aware that
there are differences between you and another person. The
differences may stem from role expectations, perceptions, goals, or
resources. In interpersonal relationships, many potential sources
of conflict may be smoldering below the surface. It may take some
time before they flare up in overt conflict.
Beginning:
Frustration Awareness
At this stage, at
least one of you becomes aware that the differences in the
relationship are increasingly problematic. You may begin to engage
in self-talk, noting that something is wrong and creating
frustration.
Perhaps you realize that you won't be able to achieve an
important goal or that someone else has resources you need
to achieve it. Or you may become aware of differences in
perceptions.
Becoming aware of differences in perception does not always lead to
increased frustration, but when the differences interfere with
something you to accomplish, then your frustration level
rises.
Middle: Active Conflict
When you bring
your frustration to the attention of others, a
conflict becomes an active, expressed struggle. If frustrations
remain only as thoughts, the conflict is passive, not active.
Active conflict does not necessarily mean that the differences are
expressed with shouting or emotional intensity. An expression of
disagreement may be either verbal or non-verbal. Calmly asking
someone to change an attitude or behaviour to help you achieve your
goal is a form of active conflict; so is kicking your brother under
the table when he starts to reveal your secret to the rest of the
family.
Many experts advocate that you do not wait until your frustration
level escalates to peak intensity before you approach someone with
your conflict. Bottled up frustration tend to erupt like pop in a
bottle that has just been shaken. Intense emotions can add to the
difficulty of managing a conflict.
End: Resolution
When you begin to
try managing the conflict, it has progressed to
the resolution stage. Of course, not all conflicts can be neatly
resolved. Couples who divorce, business partners who dissolve their
corporation, or roommates who go their separate ways have all found
solutions, even though they may not be amicable.
Aftermath: Follow-up
As Yogi Bear once
said, "It ain't over 'til it's over." After a conflict has
been resolved, the follow-up stage involves dealing with
hurt feelings or managing simmering grudges, and checking
with the other person to confirm that the conflict has not
retreated into the frustration awareness stage.
Interpersonal relationships operate as transactive processes rather
than as linear, step-by-step functions. Conflict does progress in
stages, but your resolutions can backslide unless you confirm your
understanding of the issues with your partner.
Understanding the
stages of conflict can help you better manage the process. You'll
also be in a better position to make the conflict a constructive
rather than a destructive experience. Conflict is
constructive if it helps build new insights and establishes new
patterns in a relationship. Airing differences can lead to
a more satisfying relationship in the long run.
Although conflict
can be constructive, conflict can also be destructive. The hallmark
of destructive conflict is a lack of flexibility in responding to
others. Conflict can become destructive when people view their
differences from a win-lose perspective, rather than looking for
solutions that allow both individuals to gain. If the combatants
assume that one person will lose, the resulting competitive climate
precludes cooperation and flexibility.
One way to
minimize destructive conflict cycles is to understand the
sequence of conflict-triggering causes so that you can
address them at an early stage. It's important to perceive
interpersonal conflict not just as something you react to once an
issue is surfaced; becoming aware of underlying frustrations before
they blossom into active expressions of conflict can help maintain
both honesty and trust in a relationship.
Also, diagnosing whether the conflict is a misunderstanding, a
simple disagreement, or a personal vendetta can give you insight
into managing disagreements before they move closer to a fight on
the struggle spectrum.
Image Credits:
1. Rune T
5. Niki
6. Kerrytoonz
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