What is
Assertiveness?
Assertiveness
is the tendency to make requests, ask for information, and
generally pursue one's own rights and best interests.
Assertive people let their communication partners know when a
behaviour or message is infringing on their rights. Each individual
has rights.
In interpersonal communication, you have the right to refuse a
request someone makes of you, the right to express your feelings as
long as you don't trample on the feelings of others, and the right
to have your personal needs met if they don't infringe on the
rights of others.
Some people
confuse the terms assertiveness and aggressiveness. Aggressiveness
means pursuing your interests by denying the rights of others.
Assertiveness is other-oriented; aggressiveness is
exclusively self-oriented. Aggressive people are coercive. They
blame, judge, and evaluate to get what they want.
Many people have a tendency to withdraw in the face of controversy,
even when their rights are being violated or denied. But you can
develop skills in asserting yourself by practising five key
suggestions.
Describe
Describe how you
view the situation. To asset your position, you first need to
describe how you view the situation. You need to
be assertive because the other person has not been
other-oriented.
For example, Doug was growing increasingly frustrated with Laurie's
tardiness at the weekly staff meetings. He first approached Laurie
by describing his observation: "I have noticed that you are
usually 15 minutes late to our weekly staff meetings."
A key to communicating your assertive message is to monitor your
non-verbal message, especially your voice. Avoid sarcasm or
excessive vocal intensity. Calmly, yet confidently, describe the
problem.
Disclose
Disclose your
feelings. After describing the situation from your perspective,
let the other person know how you feel. Disclosing
your feelings will help to build empathy and avoid lengthy
harangues about the other person's unjust treatment.
"I feel as if you don't take our weekly meetings
seriously," continues Doug as he asserts his desire for Laurie
to be on time to the meeting.
Note that Doug does not talk about how others are feelings ("Every
member of our group is tired of you coming in late"; he describes
how he feels.
Identify
Effects
Identify effects.
Next, you can identify the effects of the other person's
behaviour upon you or others. "When you are late it
disrupts our meeting," says Doug.
Be Silent
Wait. Then you
can simply wait for a response. Non-assertive
people find this step hard. Again, be sure to monitor your
non-verbal cues.
Make sure your facial expression does not contradict your verbal
message. Delivering an assertive message with a broad grin might
create a double bind for your listener, who may not be sure what
the primary message is - the verbal one or the non-verbal
one.
Paraphrase
Paraphrase
content and feelings. After the other person responds
appropriately, reflect your understanding of both the
content and feelings of the message.
Laurie may respond: "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was
creating a problem. I have another meeting that usually goes
overtime." Doug could then respond, "So, the key problem
is a time conflict with another meeting. That must make you feel
frustrated to try to do two things at once."
If
the other person is evasive, or aggressive, you'll need to go
through the steps again: clearly describe what the other person is
doing that is not acceptable; disclose how you feel identify the
effects; wait; then reflect and clarify as needed.
A key goal of an assertive response is to seek an empathic
connection between you and your partner.Paraphrasing
feelings is a way of ensuring that both parties are
connecting.
If you
tend to withdraw from conflict, how do you become
assertive?
Visualizing
can help. Think of a past situation in which you wished
you had been more assertive and then mentally replay the situation,
imagining what you might have said. Also practice verbalizing
assertive statements.
When
you are appropriately assertive, consciously congratulate yourself
for sticking up for your rights.
Image Credits:
1. Blupokadots
2. Edwardolive
3. Redjayd
4. Toby Page
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